Living a Life Worthy of the Calling:

Submission, Love, and Some Other Words that Make Us Uncomfortable

Ephesians 5:21-6:5

Georgetown Presbyterian Church

Rev. Stephen H. Wilkins

September 3, 2006

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father had to hide his smile at the cuteness of that thought.

"That's a serious step to take," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark"

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the son answered. The little boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

If only marriage were that simple! If only all relationships between men and women were as simple as that story!

Yet you know and I know that life is not that simple. Relationships are complicated. And as Christians who are seeking to be faithful in living a life worthy of the calling we have received, we turn to the word of God to help us in our relationships. The text before us this morning is rich in its descriptions of how we ought to relate to one another in our most important relationships--our relationships in our households.

But the problem is, this text has been abused over the centuries, and the shape of social structures has changed so dramatically over the centuries, that we have difficulty hearing God’s word come to us in these verses. I’ve lost track of the times that I’ve heard about pastors who cite this passage to counsel women to stay in relationships in which they are physically or emotionally abused. I would be willing to lay odds that the polygamist leader who was arrested last week used this verse as a means of subordinating women in his sect. Some men will cite these verses as giving them license to do with their wives whatever they wish, using the verses as a justification to exercise power over women.

It’s because of blatant misinterpretations like the ones I just described that people have labeled Paul as an enemy to all women, and a male chauvinist pig of the highest order. And such a reaction is understandable. But it’s not fair to Paul, and it’s not fair to the text, for the text is about living out our relationships in a way that glorifies God. And physical abuse never glorifies God. Hatred of women never glorifies God. Thinking of any person as bearing less of the image of God than another never glorifies God.

And so today we come into these verses with the hope that, amidst all the urges that we might have to toss these verses aside, we can hear the word of God and understand at least a little bit better how these verses will help us live lives that are worthy of the calling we have received.

I need to spend just a few moments talking about some things that Paul’s discussion of the husband-wife relationship is not about. It’s important to understand what it’s not about, so that we can come at the text with a perspective that more accurately reflects the heart and mind of Paul--and more importantly reflects the heart and mind of Christ and the witness of Scripture.

First of all, this text is not the sole teaching on the relationship between husband and wife. Throughout the biblical narratives and stories in both the Old and New Testaments, as well as in specific teachings found in Scripture, there are other witnesses to the relationship between husband and wife, and these verses from Ephesians must be interpreted in light of the overall witness of scripture. We are often tempted to latch onto a particular passage and verse and make it normative for us, but often that leads to a skewed interpretation. And so we must take care not to make Ephesians our sole authority on the understanding of the relationship between husband and wife.

Secondly, this text is not about power. That’s where we have historically gotten in trouble with this text, by using it as a justification for power. While I was studying for this sermon, I came across a speech that Tony Campolo delivered to the General Assembly of the PC(USA) in 2001. In that speech, Campolo noted that the basic drive of human nature is the will to power. It is the desire for power that makes us seek to exert ourselves over others. It is the desire for power that makes us look for relationships in which one must be superior to another. And, Campolo notes, "if there’s anything that Jesus Christ comes into the world to do, it’s to invade our lives and deliver us from power into love."

The third thing that this discussion about wives and husbands is not about, is that nowhere does Paul command the wife to obey the husband. Nowhere--not here in Ephesians, not in any of his letters--does Paul command women to obey their husbands. We’ve gotten into trouble when we’ve tried to interpret the meaning of the word "submit" to be synonymous with the word "obey." There is a difference.

So, what is the heart of the message here? What is Paul trying to tell us? What is the word of God to us when it comes to our relationships? The key, I believe, is not found by starting with "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord," but by starting one verse earlier, which introduces the entire passage: "Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ." You see, this whole section on household relationships is about mutual submission. Everything that Paul says about husbands and wives, parents and children, master and slave, is an unfolding of what it means to obey the command to submit to one another out of reverence to Christ.

The New International Version of the Bible is a great translation. I believe that it accurately translates the ancient Greek and Hebrew texts into contemporary English. But I believe that the New International Version does a great disservice in this text, for it clearly separates verse 21 from what follows. The editors even go so far as to insert a heading between verses 21 and 22, as if there is no connection between the two. But the truth is, you can’t properly understand the command for wives to submit to their husbands without first hearing the command to submit to one another. Neither can you properly understand what it means that the husband is the head without first hearing the command to submit to one another. Neither can you properly understand what it means for the husband to love the wife without first hearing the command to submit to one another. The key to understanding all the relationships described in these verses is to realize that everything is a fleshing-out of what it means to submit to one another out of reverence to Christ.

So, let’s talk about some of those words that give us trouble. First on the list, obviously, is submission. The sense in the Greek word is that of a voluntary submission, a voluntary giving-over of the self to another. Submission arises when one sees another as having priority in a relationship, and so the one will defer to the other. Submission arises out of an attitude, not of self-denigration, but of humility. I think Paul says the same thing, only using different words, in the second chapter of Philippians: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."

It shouldn’t offend anyone that Paul tells wives to submit to their husbands, because he’s just told everybody--including both husband and wife--to submit to one another. And so he’s not telling the wives to do anything that he hasn’t told others to do. The problems arise when we hear the words, "wives, submit..." without hearing what comes before them.

The concept of headship is the next one that gives us fits. When we think of someone being the head, it might just conjure images of tyranny, or a heavy-handed boss. But if that’s how the husband sees his role in the family, then he’s not really heard what Paul is saying. Crucial to understanding the concept of the head to which Paul is referring, is our understanding of how Christ is head of the church. For if the husband is head in any manner that is different from the manner in which Christ has become the head of the church, then the husband is not being the head in the way Paul is ascribing.

Again, what Paul says of Christ in Philippians 2 is instructive here. For how did Christ come to be Lord, head of the Church? He came to be head by emptying himself--that is, setting aside all his divine power and authority--and humbling himself, and living in complete obedience to God, even unto death on the cross. And he did not do it for personal gain; he did it all for us.

Never does it say that Christ is the boss, the dictator, the patriarch of the church. No, Christ is head by serving the church, loving the church, dying for the church. Who among you, male or female, wouldn’t want to submit to a person who lived out their headship in that way? Who among you would have difficulty submitting to a person who so completely and wholly gave up everything so that you could have eternity?

The third word isn’t one that makes everyone uncomfortable, but it is a tough one for men to swallow: love. The wife is to submit. The husband is to love. In actuality those two commands are not far off from one another, for both words imply the seeking the welfare of others over self.

But men do have difficulty with love. I’m reminded of the couple who was in counseling with their pastor. The wife was distraught because the husband never expressed his love toward her. She complained to the pastor that after twenty-five years of marriage, her husband had never told her that he loved her. The husband objected: "That’s not true," he said. "I told you on the day that we were married that I love you. If that ever changes, I’ll let you know."

The fact that we can chuckle at that story is proof enough that men have trouble with love. Tony Campolo says this goes back to our drive for power. He says, "Men often have difficulty saying, ‘I love you,’ because the minute that they do, they know that their power relationships are diminished." He then goes on to say that when he talks on this topic at churches, during the question and answer session he will always be asked by some man, "Then who’s in charge of the house?" Campolo likens that question to the one that James and John asked of Jesus: "Master, who will sit on your left hand and who will sit on your right?" In other words, who will have the power?

That’s why love is so difficult for the man. It means giving up our drive for power in relationships. But it’s love that Paul commands of the husband, love after the manner of Christ. And how did Christ love? He loved by being a servant. Sounds a lot like submission, doesn’t it?

Take a look at what Paul says. To the wives, he is able to say what he wants to say in three short verses. To the husbands, he dedicates nine verses. Paul uses three times more ink explaining to the husband what it means to love the wife, than he does explaining to the wife what it means to submit to the husband. Do you think there’s a reason for that? Maybe it’s because we men have historically had such a difficult time with expressing our love.

Living out our relationships after the example of Christ--being faithful to the command to submit to one another--is counter to nearly everything our culture values. Edward Markquart, a pastor in Seattle, makes this observation of the counter-cultural nature of the command to submit to one another:

...in our culture today, men are taught be absorbed by their work, absorbed by their success, absorbed by their athletics. Men are implicitly taught to marry wives who will be like their mothers and pick up after them in all their messes. So many men secretly want their wives to look after them and serve them like their mothers. And women? Our culture teaches them to be liberated, independent, to be able to do with their bodies and their lives pretty much as they please. And so this message from the Bible is revolutionary, radical, transforming, to both sides in our culture when God says in Ephesians 5: Be mutually submissive, be servants of one another out of reverence for Christ. Can you learn this mystery of God in which you can find true happiness? A mutual bending? A mutual serving? A mutual caring for each other?

My friends, living a life worthy of the calling through our relationships is not a one-way street—it goes both ways. Each party in the relationship has a duty to seek the welfare of the other. Your responsibility is not to be concerned with how the other acts toward you; your responsibility is to be concerned with how you act toward the other. Are you willing to sacrifice for the other? Are you willing to serve the other? Are you willing to care for the other?

That’s what submission is.

That’s what love is.

After talking about the husband-wife relationship, Paul then goes on to speak to the relationship between parent and child, and between slave and master. And it’s only because we don’t have time to go into each of those fully that we’ll not address those discussions today, except to say that the same principle of mutual submission applies. If you want to know how parents are to relate to their children, and vice-versa, you have to start with the command: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. And though the institution of slavery is no longer valid in our society, the relationship principle remains the same and applicable even to Christian employers and employees: you have to start with the command, Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Submit.

Head.

Love.

Do those words sound different now than they did before you came to church? I hope that the meaning that you apply to them now is informed by the spirit of Christ. And I hope that they are words that you would like to incorporate into your life and your relationships.

Live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ. Amen.